Motherhood and the Embarrassment That Comes With It

Another thing no one told me about was the black tar stool that I was going to be greeted with my first time changing Liam’s diaper. It startled me so much that I went into cackling hysterics. I mean full-on bent over laughing, so hard that I peed myself. I had been holding my bladder all day because of how much it hurt when I first tried. So there I was, standing in the largest puddle of urine that I had ever seen, laughing at the black goop poop that my son now had all over one of his tiny little baby feet. I think the nurses could hear me cackling like the wicked witch because the next thing I know, a nurse walks in. Or she was just making her rounds, you know how L&D nurses are, dedicated to making their patients feel seen.

I was seen alright, she gawked at me like I was a loon. I had never been more embarrassed in my life. Actually, I probably have. If you know who raised me then you know I’ve definitely had my share of embarrassment. But this was different because this was me being responsible for another life besides my own, I was supposed to be serious, sophisticated, and nurturing. This was my first night of many in motherhood, I wanted to be perfect for him. I wanted to cradle his tiny little head in my hands, I wanted to watch his lips twitch into a little smile as he slept. Changing a diaper didn’t seem so hard, but a moment of panic put me into a laughing mess that made me panic even more.

I sat there on my hospital bed staring at my lake of pee as the nurse brought in the mop bucket. I think she saw just how embarrassed I was because she said something that reassured me and relaxed every tense muscle in my postpartum body. “Today is just your first day, these little things won’t matter.” I looked at her with such admiration. She knew just what to say because it was her job to look after mothers like me, who faltered in their motherhood journey.